Choosing Your Officiant
Surprisingly, many people find that choosing their Officiant can be a rather daunting task. If you are a member of a church, then it is often quite simple to approach your Minister or Pastor to perform your ceremony. However, Pastors usually require pre-marital counseling and many will only perform the ceremony at the church itself. If you have a close, personal relationship with your Pastor, this can be ideal, especially if he or she has experience in performing weddings. The Pastor and other church staff can be invaluable in helping you plan the entire wedding, and may even have a hall which can be rented for the reception.
Your situation may not enable you to use a Pastor. For instance, you may find it difficult to find an Officiant if you:
- Are not a member of a church
- Are planning an inter-faith wedding
- Want a non-religious or spiritual ceremony
- Want to be married on the beach, in a garden, or at some other non-traditional location
- Are planning a destination wedding
These are only a few of the many possibilities you may have to consider in choosing your Officiant. (Notice the difference in usage between the words Minister and Pastor; throughout this book, I refer to a Minister as anyone who is ordained, and particularly Wedding Ministers, while a Pastor is usually a church leader, often a preacher, whose duties include pastoral care and performing ceremonies, but who is not usually as experienced in weddings.)
Now comes the time to discuss the appointment of a friend or family member as your Officiant. There can be many reasons for this choice, including your own close relationship with this person. Others wishing for a simple civil ceremony may choose a Notary Public (a very common example is “a lady who works at a bank with my aunt"). I have even seen books which recommend choosing anyone with whom you feel you have a close relationship; they then go on to explain that this person can always obtain instant ordination online, if necessary.
Why these authors choose to ignore the experience and knowledge of a professional Officiant is a question I simply can not answer. There is so much more involved than standing before a group of people, reading from a script. Your Officiant needs to be a coordinator, a rehearsal director, and an encyclopedia of different customs and traditions, as well as an excellent reader, able to speak well in public and project his or her voice so that most if not all of your guests can hear. I can't tell you how many times I have been required to pin boutonnieres on lapels, arrange a bride's train, use signals to let members of the wedding party when and where to move, and more. Even if you have obtained the services of a wedding coordinator, it is really your Officiant and your music provider (whether a DJ or musician) who must share the majority of the responsibility for making your ceremony run smoothly. Can your friend (acquaintance, etc.) fulfill all the obligations involved in being an Officiant?
Another popular idea is the use of a wedding planner. While there are many good reasons to use the services of planner, please remember that you often are not able to even speak with your Officiant or other service providers beforehand. You pay the planner for a particular package, perhaps an all-in-one, including music, flowers, photographer, location, and an Officiant, and the planner hires these services for you. So, who are these vendors? Is the Officiant her husband, who happens to be a Notary? Have you spoken with the Officiant and been given choices and samples for your ceremony? What does it mean when she includes music for the ceremony? Is it a $20.00 boom box that she plays as you are proceeding up the aisle or is it a professional DJ with a portable unit and years of experience who can work with your Officiant from beginning to end? In general, you must ask yourself, "How is my money being spent?"
It can be very tempting for couples to turn their entire wedding day over to a planner, and for many, this may turn out to be the best choice. However, as in any other human endeavor, there are both good and bad, and my intention is make sure that both the couple and the Officiant are forewarned.
When choosing an Officiant, you must have, first, some ideas of what you are looking for. For instance, if you want a religious ceremony, or at least a ceremony with some religious elements, then you probably want a Minister, as opposed to a Notary Public or Justice of the Peace. Are you comfortable with a man or a woman? What speaking style do you consider appropriate? Should your Officiant have a more personable or intimate style, or would you rather more formal and remote? What about attire - professional, formal, semi-formal - robes or no robes? As I often explain to potential clients, "Many people are looking for the 60-year-old man with white hair and robes, and that's not me." And yet, other couples do want my services, because they are comfortable with me, with my style and over-all presentation. You must be comfortable with your Officiant, and happy that this is the person who will be performing your ceremony.
