A Student's 10 Point Guide to Camping

School's out! Time to party in the woods! You're young and full of energy, enthusiasm, and irresponsibility, and you want to go camping, NOW! It doesn't matter if you're in high school, college, or even university; going out to the woods to party with your friends during the summer is one of the best ways to have semi-legal fun. But you have to remember to bring the appropriate supplies. Here's the list of things you're going to need to make your camping trip truly epic!

1. Beer

   The brewskis and lots of "em! What"s the point of going camping in the first place if you can't get totally loaded and stumble around the dark woods? Or around your buddie's cabin, or someone else's cabin for that matter? You're going to need an incredible amount of beer, so load up the back of the car with cases and kegs. Remember, though, don't drink and drive - save your inebriation for the frightened wildlife.

2. Gasoline

   For the totally bitchin' bonfire! Never mind that "rub two sticks together" Boy Scouts stuff. Nothing gets the party going like an seventeen-foot pillar of flame. So what about your eyebrows, you're young, you'll grow them back. Here are the directions in the proper use of gasoline to start a fire:
   • Get a lot of dry wood together
   • Put it in a pile
   • Soak the wood pile with thirty-seven gallons of gasoline
   • Strike match
   • Throw match on wood pile
   • Pick yourself up after being thrown off your feet in the explosion
   • Enjoy bonfire

3. A powerful, portable music player

   If you don't have one of these, just drive your car up into the woods and start blarin' the stereo. Never mind about the tire treads - they're biodegradable. Remember to pump that music up! It may annoy other campers within a three-mile radius, but playing Korn at 140 decibles has been known to ward off all crazed moose attacks. It's true.

4. Lawn chairs

   Sometimes you're gonna need to rest from all that drunken stumbling around the bonfire and in the woods. And while collapsing in the woods on the soft pine needles may be fine for some, save yourself the hyperthermia and put something you can sit or lie down on near the fire. But try not to fall asleep, because your buddies will do some horrible prank to you because they're your friends.

5. A can of beans to leave on the fire

   You're probably going to get hungry, so do what you did last time you partied in the woods: put a can of beans on the fire to cook, and then totally forget about the can until it explodes from over-heating, showering you and your chums with scaldingly hot baked beans, leaving little red kidney-shaped scars all over your exposed skin.

6. More Beer

   You just might run out of all those cans of beer, so it can't hurt to bring more cans of beer. Besides, more than likely you'll lose some beers from dropping them, or throwing them at your friends, or pouring beer over yourself in drunken revelry. Running out of beer is the most horrifying experience for many a partying camper, even worse than being attacked by hungry badgers. Who wants to face the woods sober?

7. A Blanket

   It will get cold when the bonfire goes out because everyone's unconcious or too drunk to perform the simple act of adding more wood to it, so bring a large blanket you can use while passed out on your lawnchair.

8. Hot dog weiners and marshmallows

   Anybody can cook the above items. If you know how to impale something on a stick, then you can cook weiners and marshmallows over the fire. And if the weiner or marshmallows go on fire, so what? The above foodstuffs will actually be tastier if you set them aflame.

9. Something to wash the taste of beer out of your mouth, like rum or whiskey.

   Another fine tradition of partying in the woods is passing a bottle around with your buddies at the bonfire. Be it from schnapps to Irish cream to vodka, whatever, nothing makes for better friendship than getting plastered, putting your arms around each other, and singing fine traditional songs like the theme song to The Flintstones.

10. Things To Forget to Bring:

    • Flashlight: You're going to get so drunk that vision will be a moot point, so why bring a flashlight? Half the fun of camping is stumbling around in the dark woods, encountering frightened campers, irate park rangers, and hungry bears
    • A Tent: Why bring a tent when you have a nice, cozy bonfire to pass out unconcious nearby? Lawn chair, remember? Besides, tents are for wussies. Real campers sleep under the stars, fortified by alcohol and a gasoline-enriched fire.
    • "Real" Food (aside from bans, weiners, and marshmallows): You're going to be drinking a lot of beer so you won't have to bother with eating anything actually nutritious. You're not really going to camp out in the woods so much as you are going to fall unconcious from inebriation during the night and wake up shivering in the dew-soaked morning, only to head to the nearest McDonald's for a morning McMuffin and extra-large coffee.
    • A Map to the Campsite: You've always found the site before, why need a map? Besides, even if you don't find the site there's a lot of woods out in the country. Just fire up your bonfire anywhere. One hint, though: if you notice a lot of rows of corn around your campground, you're in a farmer's field.

In Conclusion: Don't forget to bring beer.