The principles of transactional analysis and how those principles can be applied to help us communicate with others.
During our day we come across many different people who we are required to interact with. If you've ever wondered: "why did I say that?" or "why did that person get so offended?" then perhaps you would benefit from using the ideas presented by transactional analysis. Transactional analysis was developed by Eric Berne, author of The Game People Play and I'm Okay, You're Okay. His theory is based on analysis of interpersonal communications which can help us all communicate more effectively. As we all know, the majority of communication depends on the one communicating. Where are they coming from? This is the question we must all ask when interacting with one another. Berne classified each persons' orientation towards the rest of the world into four different "life scripts."
These life scripts guide our communications with one another, identifying your life script can help you in recognizing how you communicate with others and may also help you see things that you might want to change when conversing with others. A general knowledge of life scripts can also help you identify others' life scripts which can help you better understand their personal orientation in the world. Berne categorized life scripts into four different groups: I'm okay, you're okay; I'm not okay, your okay; I'm okay, you're not okay; and, I'm not okay, you're not okay. These scripts help us identify the general tone of our interactions with others. Those of us operating from the I'm okay, you're okay script have high self esteem and have generally positive feelings towards other people. These people are generally positive people and usually are non-confrontational.
Those coming from the I'm okay, you're not okay script tend to have a high self esteem, yet are very critical towards others. You might be operating from this script if you feel that nobody can do as good of a job as you can, or if you feel that nobody can meet your expectations. The third script is the I'm not okay, you're okay script. Those operating from this orientation tend to be subservient to others and may be regarded as "doormats," or someone who is willing to do anything for approval. The low self esteem is problematic since it often results in a type of "victim" mentality. The final script, or the I'm not okay, you're not okay script involves those who exhibit a low self esteem yet are also critical of others. Such people tend to not give themselves credit for their accomplishments nor will they give others any praise based on others' accomplishments. As we will see later on, certain scripts will dictate the amount of time spent in different "ego states."
Our ego states are actually the manifestation of our life scripts through our speech and mannerisms. Depending on your life script, you may spend more time in one ego state over another which can in turn dictate your reactions to others. The three general ego states consist of: parent, adult, and child ego states. The parent ego state is subdivided into the critical and nurturing parent. The critical parent tends to be judging, demanding, and rule bound. If one is making a judgmental or demanding statement, it is said to be a critical parent statement. On the other hand, the nurturing parent tends to be loving, caring, comforting, and empathetic. Thus, any statements made that are loving, comforting, or empathetic are said to be nurturing parent statements. The adult state is generally concerned with analytical thought, problem solving, logic, reasoning, and balancing. Most of us experience the adult state while we are at work or school. The child ego state is also subdivided into the free and adaptive child. The
freechild tends to be fun loving, joyful, and creative whereas the adaptive child tends to be fearful or angry, reactive, scared, or defiant. It is important that we become cognizant of our current ego state when we are discussing a particularly emotionally charged topic so that we can realize what we are communicating.
Understanding your ego states will help you determine your life script. If you tend to speak and interact from the critical parent state then chances are you are operating from the "I'm okay, you're not okay" script. If you operate equally from all five ego states, then you are probably oriented to the "I'm okay, You're okay" script. Identifying our ego states and life scripts will help us to understand and modify our "transactions." A transaction is a stimulus sent by one person and a reaction sent back by the person to whom the stimulus was directed. These transactions can be broken down into covert and overt transactions. In overt transactions the meaning is clear to anybody listening. In covert transactions the meaning can be warped by the receiving party or the sending party which shifts the transaction type. For example, if I were to tell someone "this meal isn't that bad" overtly I'm saying that they made a good meal, yet covertly I'm saying that all their previous meals were horrible since this one wasn't "that" bad. It is important to be able to identify the possible covert meanings in statements so that there is no miscommunication.
Being aware of life scripts and ego states can help you interact with others more effectively. If you ask yourself, "what kind of statement am I making?" you may be able to identify certain problematic communication flaws. For example, it is generally a bad idea to operate from the critical parent state when talking to peers. Now that we realize that we can transform our critical statements into nurturing parent or adult statements. Doing this is called egogram balancing. This will also help you by being able to recognize the type of statements others are making and how to respond. For example, if someone says to you, "you did a horrible job on your presentation and I doubt you put that much time into it" you can recognize that it is a critical parent statement and instead of responding from the adaptive child you can tailor your response to be from the adult state "I spent a week preparing the presentation, what didn't you like about it?" Perhaps we find that we operate from a life script that we don't want to operate from, if this is the case then all one must do s actively change their ego states and eventually you will experience a state shift. Remember, the real point is to bring cognition back into communication.
