I think my high school needs to call in an exterminator. No, not for insects (although judging by the cockroach corpse in the light we might need one of those as well). We need an exterminator that doesn't exist yet, but really should. We could call it the Darwinator! I am speaking, of course, about a way to eliminate stupid people. Take, for example, the idiots who stopped smack dab in the middle of a crowded stairway to do one of those weird guy hugs where they clasped hands and then sandwiched those hands in between themselves as they smacked each other's backs. I just happened to be behind these idiots when the warning bell rang, meaning I was running late.
Now, the Darwinator would look like a cross between the ghost-sucky-uppy machine in Ghostbusters and one of those little Roomba automatic vacuum thingies (only with the ability to hover up the stairs like the Dalek on that new episode of Dr. Who). It would whir right up, possibly making a faint beeping noise, and slurp up those two reprobates, leaving me with an unobstructed path.
Many of you are probably gasping and saying, “How horrible! You want to kill them?” This is not the case. They'd just be disassembled into molecular particles, stored in something resembling a vacuum cleaner bag, and emptied out at the end of the day along with all the rest of the school's garbage by the custodian, somehow reassembling. I haven't gotten there yet, so any suggestions (preferably from a Nobel physicist) would be lovely.
There are still a few kinks to be ironed out, but if any corporation would like to buy this idea from me, they would make a fortune and make this school (along with the world) a much better place.
